Tue, 30 May, 2023

Who Me?

By Nikita Gautam

Sketch by: Nikita Gautam Today I look back into my life and envision me being myself again. Aging into the same old fresh and bitter tastes that lifted taste buds of my lifetime. I wonder how my journey began? How I became myself? I frequently question if I wasn't unique how I could win the race, competing with thousands of other macrogametes to conceive with one microgamete, which commenced a journey of someone called me. Then the cleavage of my life began, my cells started to increase in number. I got bigger, I became a tissue, then an organ, then a complete me. Yes, I am in a phase of becoming a little human creature today. Grown up, I said to myself, though I couldn't verbalize my feelings. I was in my mother's womb, what creature in the world would expect me to speak. Oh lord, I found out for the first time, my mother vomiting creating a press within the amniotic fluid that was stretching me and I felt like I was taking a couple of rides on an elevator. Well I couldn't hold a grip because I had no hands. Level of conversations now started increasing into my senses and I started absorbing more. People sharing thoughts, telling stories and imagination overflowing inside myself; I wondered how they would look like. But why didn't I feel happy about it?  Perhaps that was my mother's emotion overflowing into my nerves and alarming me. Wow, I thought for a moment. How lovely would it be to be surrounded by such wonderful people? But the story was yet to be revealed.  Gently my mother laid her hand upon the surface where I was floating; I suddenly felt the warmth upon me. This was the beginning of a passion, beginning of the soft music of my life. I felt that my mom wasn't happy about me being inside of her. Slowly I began growing inside her, but didn't pick up my mother's smile, but instead only heard her soulful cry. Every time my dad threw her into the bed and tortured her, I could feel that monster inside of her, I could feel her misery, her pain, and each time my tissue melted like a candle. Then one day I heard someone talk, maybe we should check who this creature is, a beast again or a light of our life. Who the hell were they to judge me if I am a beast or not? I suddenly reacted to it and my mom inhaled the pain. Then I felt sorry for what I did. Oh! I felt a stroke, a machine running over me. Oh my god that vibration is killing me, I cried. I cried aloud, but no one heard my voice. I felt someone kicking in my mother's belly again. I wish I could wipe away her tears and say, "Oh Mom! Don't worry, I am always there for you". I wish I could grab her in my arms and feel her tender soul, craving for happiness. Bring her darkening soul to life, and gently rub her swelling ankles. I only wish I could. For the first time I felt thankful to the devils, that I should probably call my relatives for the rest of my life. I felt that god got me lucky enough to be constructed into a male kid. Poor sisters of mine, all of them got killed in the first trimester of my mother's pregnancy. God will never dispense with these cruel creatures in the name of human beings. I invaded into the second trimester of my journey to the new creation. Right away, from the day when the reports arrived, my mom was handled with good care securely. I fear she would only be thrown into the same old torture again the moment I am born. She started getting body aches, thigh pain, darkening skin, stretch marks, tingling hands, swelling and so on. I knew this was my entire fault, but that's how new life resides within a soul itself. Stars shine at the end, but they are burning every second of their life. Life gives you unexpected surprises, and so did I. I don't have a capability to even breathe by myself. I am a parasite sucking inside my mother's womb. Giving her pain how can I be happy? I wanted these 40 weeks of my life to never end.  I never wanted to see those criminal faces. I wished I could make them feel the same way my mother did. The pain of abortion, the pain of losing a part of yourself and watch it being thrown into the dustbin. Yes, God did hear my voice, but the situation was a little bit different than I had imagined it to happen. Yes, the moment finally arrived, when I would see the world with my own eyes. I was sorry for the pain my mother inhaled while giving birth to me. I could feel her pain, her back labor. I was a terrible baby since she had to push me hard, and her body wasn't dilating creating a passage for me. That last moment happiness drastically increased the excitement inside of me. How would humans look like? How would they walk and talk and eat? Oh Lord! I said to myself finally inside the womb and thanked her to have developed and protected me for so long. I was finally born. But wait, something started to happen. I couldn't breathe. Mom, I cried within, but I couldn't speak, I couldn't raise a voice. I saw people with dim reelections and they hurriedly took me somewhere. I cried that I want to be with my mom, but they rushed. I was shrinking then, slowly I felt myself gone somewhere. I couldn't sense anything within myself.  The rest of it, I don't remember at all. Slowly my senses came back to me and I opened my eyes with good care. Aren't I supposed to be with my mother? Where am I in this tiny little white transparent box? One of the sisters came in and suddenly started talking to me,  "Oh cute little baby, you're going to be alright, okay? This is called incubator and this will help you breathe. Doctors say that your lungs can't function well as they should have but no worries. You're going to be perfectly fine. Oh! Cutie", and then she left the room. Well, I was just born so how would I know that it is an incubator? I was perplexed by the innocent questions that people were throwing at me. The drunkard man, who is supposed to be my father, didn't even come to see me once. I was dreaming this creamy little town of mine, when I felt that pain in my chest again. I suddenly opened my eyes, but I couldn't shout for help. I could cry, but crying would make my lungs feel sick more. What will I do? I then gained the courage to cry loudly. A sister came running to me hearing my cry. She called the doctor and I was shrinking again. Oh! That pain, my condition was critical they said. I desperately wanted to see my mother. Who was she? How would she look like? Pain in my lungs was getting intense. Profound suffering was ready to take me away. I can't see anything now, my senses are dropping. Mother, help me. Mom, I need you………… mom…………….