Sat, 03 Jun, 2023

The Lost Me

By Barsha Dahal

You may call me lunatic, silly, doltish, over sensitive or any other words similar to these. It doesn’t matter. I have decided to share everything. Not actually everything but a little part of me. Yes… Soyash go on. Today is the exact time. Don’t care about others, friends, family, and your loved or closed ones. I was trying to sleep, but some thoughts were killing me inside. Really, have I become more immature and restless as I am growing up? Constantly this feeling is hitting my head so hard. I can adjust in any situation. Hey life, you may break me, fine, I will recollect myself. You may tear me, don’t worry, I have a glue in my heart; I will be fine. You may throw me in a dark hole, so what? I am that light which can light up darkness itself.

But there is someone who can snatch my hope, shatter my happiness, or can bring the best out of me. This person knows every dark or dirty secret about me. She knows what I actually want and what I hate the most. Let’s say she has got the remote control that controls my mood, my expression and my thoughts. Why is she now silent? Why is she refusing to have a long conversation with me? She tells me I am wrong, but as I start a conversation, she stops…. She stops right at that point and vanishes somewhere. She is my heart, my brain, my consciousness, my weakness and my strength. She was once the reason behind my pride, my confidence, my happiness and my little satisfaction. She was the magic who could always do something out of the box of expectation. You may not believe, but whenever I felt it’s the end, she used to do something and everything used to be fine. Even I couldn’t figure out what she did.

Things get worse day by day. Why can’t my life just be mine? Why can’t I suffer alone if everything goes wrong? If only my tears could not shade the smile of my loved ones, and if only my sadness would not confuse them, my life would be somewhat easier to be understood. She knows everything. She knows I am nothing if she leaves me. She knows I am smiling just because I believe I will get her soon. But why is she running away? I just  got her and she had just gotten me then who is she trying to be? No.. No, she can’t be anyone else. She knows she is the best for me. I hate to call her ‘SHE’. She is me but the tragedy is she is the lost part of me. She is the lost light inside me. She is the lost miracle in me. She is the lost hope and the lost charm of my life. She is gone somewhere. How much I try, I cannot bring her back inside me.

I don’t cry due to failures or confusions, but I cry because I have  the best family and friends. My innocent mom and dad believe nobody could be a better daughter for them than me. Seriously, it surprises me when people say they want a daughter like me. Nowadays I think I do not deserve that trust and those words. I am not doing the things I am supposed to do. I am hating my inability to understand my wish. Soyash was the girl who loved her reality rather than the success. She loved the way she talked, the way she sang, the way she danced, the way she convinced herself and the way she dealt with the obstacles but today she is lost somewhere. In the ocean of tragedy? Nope… she doesn’t believe in tragedy. Is it then in the mountain of dissatisfaction? Arghhh… I am not sure, I am actually muddled.

People get inspired. I also do, but the greatest inspiration for me is that ‘I’ who is hiding somewhere. People fall in love. I do, my family is my first love. But I am in deep love with that part of me who never felt incomplete. And now I am incomplete without that part. Sometimes life becomes the reality that is so hard to believe. But the only option left is waiting. Waiting for that soul who is enlightened enough to spread a spark of joy in your life. Waiting for a dream that will hit your head and tell you to get it, waiting for a restlessness that will not let you sleep just because you cannot lose a single second to rejoice your life, waiting for that lost self who will tell you that even though the world goes against you, she is with you. Yes, I want to hear “I am inside you and will always be the magic, miracle and happiness that you want to live.”

(Author Biography: Barsha Dahal is a third semester student at DWIT.)