Her

Her by Jubindra K.C.

I’ve never felt like this before… I don’t know where to begin. Last summer, I started having these feelings. These strange feelings which I cannot explain. Let’s start from the beginning…

It was the first day of school. I was a shy kid back then, too afraid to make eye contacts. I’d always kept things to myself. I always had trouble making new friends. But something deep inside my heart told me that year, it was going to be different.

It was the first time I saw her. I knew there was something different about this girl. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Of course, I didn’t know what love was back then. I was always fond of her. I was too shy to admit it. I fell for her instantly. Every day I thought about her, her cute little laughs, the way she talked.

I did talk with her quite so often. I doubt if she remembers our conversations. Social anxiety forced me into thinking that I might be annoying her. I kept our conversations short. I never learned to express my emotions properly. It’s one of the reasons why you are reading this.

After few months into my school. We became good friends. We’d spend hours talking with each other. We didn’t have a care in the world. Slowly but steadily my feelings for her started to disappear. Maybe I mistook our bond as good friends for something else. So, to prevent such idiotic behavior from happening again. I came up with a plan. In this plan, I woke up every morning. I went straight to the mirror.

Pointing at my reflection I said, “You do not like her! You hate her!”

As weird as it might sound, it worked. I no longer had that strange feeling lingering inside me anymore. She and I can be friends now, perhaps even best friends.

I took a deep breath, held my head up high. I felt light like something heavy had been taken off my chest. The pain of high expectations, unreal future which I had dreamed of her; all disappeared into the thin air. I was finally free!

Our lives went on as normal. We started to grow close. I didn’t think much about it. Since we had been spending much of our time together, it was pretty normal. We took it to the next stage. We started calling each other “best friend”. I was happy at the time. One more friend in the list. Everything was working for me. Everything was good. What more did I need right?

Out of the blue, those feelings started showing up. Those feelings which I had buried deep within my heart grew stronger. Each day the force took a form of its own. I tried many ways to get rid of the said feelings.

I tried to hate her. I tried to annoy her. I tried to fight with her over little things.

With each failed attempt, I grew weaker. I could no longer ignore those feelings. Every moment from then I asked myself a simple question.

Did I fall for her?

Yes! I fell for her.

Should I tell her? Should I “confess” my feelings for her? Then what? What do we do after my confession?

I don’t know if she likes me if she is willing to take that chance with me.

I had only one problem with it. What if I lose her? I mean… what if I lose my friendship with her. I compared our friendship in an imaginary scale. The bond that we shared as friends were precious. But I did love her. I was forced to choose between love or friendship. With a heavy heart, I decided not to tell her. I guess our friendship was worth more than my love. Just the fact of hiding it with her made me miserable.

Mixed emotions continued to run through me. To make matters worse, I started to spend more time with her. Each time I had to dug deep within my heart to hid my feelings for her. I cannot explain this pain that I feel. This feeling of something clutching my chest, squeezing the life out of my heart. The feeling of powerlessness; of not being able to express myself properly took its toll on me. I moved farther away from the reality.

Countless thoughts ran through my head. Maybe I’m burden to her. Maybe I’m just an annoyance to her. These thoughts left me with no choice but to leave.

I will be going now. I will be moving far away from her.

What will I do then?

I will spend the rest of my days reliving all the old memories that we’ve shared. I hope she misses me like I miss her. After all this time, I will still be wondering if she remembers me. Maybe she will call my name, only to notice that I’m gone. She will finally understand the pain that I’d felt. Fi, ally she will understand. But that’s for me to worry about.

There is one thing I want you to do for me. Tell her…

“I’d like to thank you for all the things that you have done for me. I don’t know how you might react to the fact that I’m gone. But before I go, I muster my courage to tell you this…”

I Love You.